


Love Is Not So Foul

by MrWhite



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Confusion, Homosexuality, Love, M/M, Romance, discomfort, torn - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-08-28
Packaged: 2017-12-24 22:10:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/945245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrWhite/pseuds/MrWhite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jimmy Kent becomes torn as he comes to understand who Thomas Barrow really is. Based on after their last scene in S03 E09 (where Jimmy agrees to be friends with Thomas).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Is Not So Foul

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of editing has been done. This chapter and the following chapters are going to be much longer; each chapter will be based on what happens in that one day. I've also rewritten and added more things, to make the story more interesting. And now it won't only be from Jimmy's point of view, but Thomas' as well. If you have the time to comment, either to offer critique, compliments or just simply your thoughts, it would be much appreciated. Thank you for your consideration and I hope you'll enjoy.

'I... understand that, I do. And I don't ask for it. But I'd like it if we could be friends...'

'I don't ask for it. But I'd like it if we could be friends...'

'Be friends...'

'Friends...'

Jimmy Kent lay in his own bed, replaying the conversation they'd had that day in Thomas' room upstairs over and over again. For so long, he had thought that Thomas was only interested in him for his body, that all he wanted from him was sensual pleasure. He had looked at Thomas in a less than generous light; he'd thought the man to be promiscuous, far too deviant. That Thomas was the cat to his mouse; that Thomas was the predator to his prey. He thought that all Thomas had done to and for him was for sexual reasons; touching him because he wanted to feel his skin; doing things for him so as to get on his good side, perhaps hoping that Jimmy would give in and let Thomas have his way with him. He imagined Thomas holding him down, entering him, moving roughly and without care; taking advantage of him. Being so greedy. It had been unnerving and anxiety-inducing for Jimmy; he'd never even had relations with a woman, never mind a man; a stronger, bigger, older man. One that he felt was selfish and concerned only with his own pleasure.

But once Thomas had saved him from being beaten, and was beaten himself instead, Jimmy began to wonder if it was less about attraction and more about love. But he thought, no, it must be attraction. Why would he love me for my mind? I've only ever treated him terribly...

Though when Thomas had reacted to his statement of 'I can never give you what you want' with understanding, and asked if they could at least be friends, as if that would be enough, Jimmy began to look at him in a whole new light. It confirmed to him that all along, it really hadn't been based purely on sexual attraction alone, but rather, love as well. A love of who he was as a person; less about what he looked like. 

He thought it was an incredible feat that Thomas loved him, even after the way he'd treated the man. He searched his mind for why Thomas possibly could after all the cruel things he'd done and said, and came to realize that Thomas loved him purely because of who he was, and it had less to do with how Jimmy had treated him or how Jimmy had made him feel. And that thought made Jimmy think that Thomas was a rather beautiful person. He showed such loyalty and devotion, and not because Jimmy was loyal and devoted in return, but because Thomas had just admired Jimmy for who he was as a person. Jimmy had never before witnessed such selflessness in another person, and at that moment, he admired Thomas just the same. 

Now, he couldn't imagine that Thomas would hold him down and penetrate him carelessly... but he imagined Thomas would touch him gently, enter him only if he allowed it, and if he did, he would be selfless; he wouldn't move roughly, but slowly and cautiously. 

'Is love really such a foul thing...?' Jimmy asked himself. He then shook the thought away and replaced it with 'From a man, it certainly is!', falling asleep soon after.

The next morning...

Jimmy woke to a knock on his door, and came out of a dream involving he and Thomas. He'd had rather confusing dreams on and off that entire night and into the morning. One was based on Jimmy going to talk with Thomas in the middle of the night, asking why he loved him; due to the thoughts he'd had before falling asleep. Thomas' answer had been 'because you're all I've ever wanted', which had given Jimmy quite a tender feeling. Another was more frightening for Jimmy, and made him angry with himself as he remembered it; it was of he and Thomas alone in the dark, skin against skin, which glistened under the moonlight. 'I love you, Jimmy...' Thomas had whispered as he held Jimmy in his arms. Jimmy had never felt so at peace as he had in his dream, though now that he was awake, he could only imagine what others would say. 

'James Kent is a disgrace,' 'Jimmy's as foul as Thomas is,' 'He's been influenced by Mr. Barrow,' 'That boy deserves to be sent to prison,' 'What a disgusting lad he's come to be!'   
'Well, they'd be right, if I were like that, but I'm not. It was just a bloody dream, nothing to get worked up about,' Jimmy had thought, pushing the dream to the back of his mind and blaming having it on Thomas; it certainly had nothing to do with his own wants and desires, that was for sure. 

After dressing into his full morning livery, Jimmy helped Alfred set the upstairs table for breakfast, then returned to the kitchen to wait for Mrs. Patmore and Daisy to let them know when it was ready. Each room had felt terribly depressing after the death of Matthew Crawley; some wept, none smiled. Some reacted rather angrily to simple things. But Jimmy hadn't known Mr. Crawley very well and though he didn't enjoy that a man had died, it didn't really affect him either. He just continued going about his day. 

After serving everyone upstairs, the servants ate downstairs, and once finished, Jimmy took a tray up to Thomas. He knocked on the man's door before entering, and once he did, he found Thomas reading that day's paper; he really couldn't do much else. Jimmy took in the sight of the older man; his messy black hair, his soft blue eyes, his pink lips. Jimmy looked away, clenching his teeth and swallowing; upset with himself for having so willingly observed Thomas.

"Morning, Mr. Barrow," Jimmy had said, smiling a quick and nervous smile as he stepped into the room. Thomas looked up from the paper and instantly smiled, bowing his head.   
"Morning, Jimmy," he replied, sounding rather cheerful despite his current state, and despite Mr. Crawley's death, as he placed the newspaper on his bed stand; giving Jimmy his full attention. Jimmy walked over to the bed, then stood still, looking down at Thomas' lap, uneasily. 

'What do I do? Do I place it on his lap? What if my fingers... touch him?' Jimmy thought. He swallowed, nervously, and looked at Thomas from under his lashes only to quickly look away.

"Here, I'll take that," Thomas said, softly; realizing Jimmy's dilemma and lifting his arms to take the tray. Jimmy clenched his teeth and handed it to Thomas, whose fingers brushed against his own as he took it. Having Thomas' skin against his own... Having those warm and masculine, gentle hands touch him like they had so many times that year ago... It was like being burned, or being struck with lightning, and Jimmy flinched, an instant reaction, almost dropping the tray in the process. His heart nearly jumped out of his chest. 

Thomas luckily had steadied the tray before any of it's contents spilled onto his lap. He looked up at Jimmy, eyes wide, forehead wrinkling as he raised his brows. He thought to say, "Easy, Jimmy, I'm not the biting type," but instead kept quiet, so as not to embarrass the younger lad. He looked away, a smile on his face as he looked down at the tray once placing it on his own lap. Though he smiled only to appear to kind and help ease Jimmy's discomfort; deep down, he felt that Jimmy was frightened of him, and it didn't sit well. He wished he'd never gone into Jimmy's room that night as he was asleep and kissed him. 

'I was a fool, a bloody fool... How could I have listened to Ms. O'Brien, after she'd promised to make me pay...? I should have known she was up to no good. Perhaps I was just hopeful... hopeful that Jimmy really had returned the feelings... I let it blind me. And now... now it's hard for him to even be in me presence...' he thought. 'But at least he'll see me, now... At least he's agreed to be friends... That's a step up. I really should be grateful that he's brought me breakfast.' 

"Thanks," said Thomas, taking the cup of water off the tray and bringing it to his lips to take a sip. Jimmy smiled, but then caught sight of Thomas' tongue sliding past his lips to lick them. His heart jumped, his blood felt as if it were made of fire as it flooded through his veins. That wet and soft pink tongue... so skillful, Jimmy imagined it'd be, if the kiss that year ago had been of any indication... his eyes began darting across the room in discomfort. 

"Yes, you're welcome, Mr. Barrow," he'd said, before turning around and walking toward the door.

"Wait, Jimmy...?" Thomas suddenly called, before Jimmy left. Jimmy stopped, swallowed, then slowly turned around. He brought his hands together, picking at a nail, his discomfort making him fidget. Thomas was such a big presence... 

"Yes?" he asked, trying to appear unaffected, though Thomas could see clearly that he was; though, he thought it was for other reasons. 

"I think now that we're friends... when nobody's around... you could call me Thomas, if you'd like," he said. There was hope in his voice that Jimmy picked up on, and he felt that he couldn't disappoint the black-haired man, especially after having understood that not everything Thomas said to him was based on sex; that it was more personal. Especially after the man so bravely and so selflessly risked his own safety for Jimmy's.

'If that's not love... then I don't know what is...' he thought. 

"Right... Thomas. Of course," Jimmy replied, smiling and bowing his head, then turning back around and leaving the room. Thomas smiled joyfully, keeping his eyes on Jimmy until he was out of sight.

Later...

'What's the matter with me? Why does he make me so nervous?' Jimmy wondered as he prepared to bring the Crawley's their tea. He carried the tray upstairs; acted respectfully and did things properly even as he was in his own mind and not paying much attention to the world outside of it. He placed the tray down then left the room, making his way back downstairs as he continued to think.

'I should be nervous, shouldn't I? He's crept into me room and kissed me without me permission. Anybody'd be nervous after an experience like that,' Jimmy told himself. 

Though, inside, he didn't truly believe that to be the cause of his anxiety when in Thomas' presence. 

He'd long since gotten over that night; though it had been unexpected and frightening to be awoken in such a manner, as he'd hardly been kissed before, hadn't ever thought of a man doing it, and especially as Alfred had seen, he'd forgiven Thomas almost instantly. But because he'd so quickly got over it, he'd become angry with himself; angry with Thomas, who he felt was to blame. He'd felt he should have despised Thomas after such an incident, but he had not, much to his worry. And so he'd appeared to hold a grudge, both to convince himself and on-lookers, such as Alfred and Ms. O'Brien and Carson, that he was indeed not at all like Thomas. To convince himself and others that he felt what Thomas had done to be absolutely revolting. 

But after time passed, Jimmy understood that he wouldn't be suspected, and he had tried to be easier on Thomas because he hadn't enjoyed making Thomas feel badly. But at times, it was hard not to mock the black-haired man or not to react to anything he did with obvious displeasure. Both because he was still worried of being suspected by others, being made a fool of, being sent to prison... and also because he suspected himself, of wanting to experience sexual pleasure with Thomas, which angered him, as he felt disgusting, and filled him with tremendous anxiety. Anxiety because, if he were like that, there would be no hope for him. He would be hopeless; just as his parents, before they'd died, had made him feel he would be. Though, he'd denied it to himself as well as he could and wouldn't let himself believe it. When he'd observed Thomas, it was only to keep an eye on him, to be sure he wouldn't try anything. It hadn't been because he was curious or found Thomas attractive; because he wasn't, and he didn't; not in the slightest.   
During the day, Jimmy didn't say much, and spent most of his time alone with his thoughts. Alfred had questioned him, asking 'what's the matter with you?', to which Jimmy had smiled and looked at Alfred as if he were odd, replying with 'nothing's the matter'. 

Though, in his mind, he asked himself... 'Of course, thinking of a man because you want to have relations with him is absolutely foul... But love... is love so foul?'

After preparing lunch and dinner for the Grantham's as well as the servants, and after eating, Jimmy again made his way to Thomas with a tray of food; the third time that day. Once seeing the blue-eyed man, his insides twisted, to the point where he felt he could vomit. His hands shook, his heart hammered. And Jimmy realized, it wasn't because he suspected Thomas or himself of desiring one another's bodies... but because he saw such kindness, such love, in Thomas' eyes, and he found it hard not to feel similarly. 

Jimmy was speechless as he walked over to Thomas, handing him the tray. Thomas smiled; seemingly pleased. Jimmy noticed that whenever he was around, Thomas would become so happy, so humble. 

"Thank you, Jimmy. You're certainly putting your legs to use, aren't you, comin' up here three times a day?" Thomas asked. 

"Yes, well..." Jimmy replied, smiling a nervous smile; briefly looking into Thomas' eyes only to look away soon after. Looking into Thomas' eyes, he felt as if the man could see right through him, and it was overwhelming. Both hesitated for a moment before Thomas spoke.

"You don't have to, you know," he said. "I didn't get meself beaten so you'd feel badly... Feel like you have to make up for it." 

"I know that's not why... I'm only helping a friend... But, by all means, if I'm really such a nuisance..." Jimmy began, raising his brows, a coy smile on his face. 

"No, of course you're not a nuisance," Thomas quickly replied, swiftly looking up at Jimmy. Catching the smile on the blond's face, he then realized it was only a joke and he smiled as well, bowing his head shyly. Then slowly, his smile disappeared, and he looked back up into the other man's blue eyes. "I... It means a lot to me, Jimmy... that we can be friends. I couldn't thank you enough." 

"Don't mention it..." Jimmy said, his brows creased. "Well. I best be off," he then said, uncomfortable; nodding his head once before turning around. 

"Good night," Thomas called as Jimmy went to shut the door behind him. Before he shut it all the way, he stuck his head through the door. 

"Yes, good night, Mr... Thomas," he said, smiling. Thomas smiled back until Jimmy let the door click shut.

'Never thought I'd see him up here so many times throughout the day... I ought to tell me nurse that I don't need her to bring me me food.' 

That night...

After Jimmy had washed and changed into his resting clothes, he got into bed, though he felt he couldn't sleep quite yet. Like he had for the entire day, Jimmy couldn't stop thinking during that night, especially after his third visit to Thomas' room. Nobody before had ever made him feel as important; as admirable. It had always been something Jimmy needed, as he didn't feel he was admirable unless another thought so themselves; it was related to the way he was raised. His whole childhood, his parents had acted as if he could do nothing right, so as to improve their son's ability, and because of it, Jimmy had always felt self-conscious; unsure of himself, as much as he tried to hide that fact under confidence and an egotistical attitude. And being admired and given positive attention was something he came to crave; something he needed. 

And now, without the idea that Thomas was purely sinful, that not all the man wanted and thought about was having his way with Jimmy, Jimmy became drawn to Thomas, because he gave to Jimmy all that he had needed. All that he had previously misunderstood for lust alone. Thomas may have been a man... but he gave to Jimmy love. Admiration. Attention; positive attention. 

Even before he'd understood that what Thomas felt for him was more about love than lust, he'd secretly enjoyed the attention he'd gotten from Thomas, whether or not he had always admitted it to himself and especially to the others. At some moments, he had suspected Thomas of truly loving him, such as when Thomas had come out and said so, and it had pleased him; had made him feel special. Though at other moments, he'd felt that he was wrong; that Thomas was only fooling him, hopeful of taking him to bed. That was what had always bothered Jimmy; he hadn't wanted to be taken advantage of like that, to be made a fool of; and he certainly didn't want to be looked at as if he were vile and sinful. Though at times, deep down, he almost became aroused by what he imagined was in Thomas' mind; which only made him hateful, both toward himself and Thomas. He'd felt they were both indecent, disgusting. It was all very confusing.

But now, as he lay in bed looking up at the ceiling, he had a hard time feeling that Thomas was anything but kind and loving; a decent and selfless man. A man that treated him better than anyone had before; that looked at him as if he could do no wrong. 

'Would an indecent man risk his own safety for another's?' thought Jimmy.

'Would a disgusting man accept and be happy with no more than me friendship?' 

'No... I've been so wrong about it. Thomas is a good man... A very selfless, a very caring, man. He's not like I thought he was.' 

'Am I the foul one? For having always suspected Thomas of loving only me body? Relating everything he's done with lust?' 

'No, of course not. I am not the one to blame, here. I am the victim in this situation. If it weren't for Thomas being the way he is, none of those thoughts... none of these thoughts, would even be going through me bloody head. And no matter which way you look at it, it's a sin. An unforgivable sin. And if I am to be similar, then I rightly deserve to go to prison. Whether it's based on love or lust, it's wrong. It's all wrong. And I will not think about it for a minute more.' 

Jimmy, having decided that was the end of his internal battle, turned over onto his side and shut his eyes, preparing to fall asleep. But still, despite what he wanted, his thoughts crept up on him... 

'I wish he had been forced to leave last year. I wish it badly. If he had been gone, I wouldn't have to deal with this... this confusion, these... unacceptable thoughts...' 

But even as he told himself that, he knew at the same time that if Thomas had left, he would have been beaten and robbed that day at the fair. And if Thomas had left, he knew he would have also felt quite lonely as Thomas was really the only one that understood him, that forgave him when he was unkind, and who he could relate with in that house, downstairs. 

'Bloody hell, I hope I'll fall asleep soon and have a moment of peace!'


End file.
